No More Kelly Belly

Once again it is Monday. I am at work trying to get through my To Do List. So far 5 out of 10 things remain. The weekend was ok. Spent some quality time with the husband, did some scrapbooking, and went to my Nana's to help her move. This is my rant.

My granmother has lived in the same house for about 20 years. As far back as I can remember she has always lived in the same house. When I was little the house always seemed so huge to me. I remember the very moment when I walked in to her house and it felt so small. Since that realization I have gotten used to the real size of the house. So this is the story. My Nana is getting up there, and she is living alone at the time. My aunt recently separated from her husband an is living in her big house all by herself, so my Nana will be moving in. So she decides that all the kids and grankids should come over to her house and get the things that we want so that she doesnt have to divide everything up before she dies. I hate the reality that she is going to always be here.

So, I was over there this weekend, and this time the house didnt feel small to me anymore...it felt empty. I didnt want to take anything from her. But she insisted that I had to leave with something. The smell was even different. My cousin was there and we were going through old pictures and reminising and I realized that there will never be another birthday party, or christmas party or family get together at that house ever again. It will always be somewhere else. This is truly an end of a thick chapter in the book of my family. To my family, Nana's House, the meaning, and experiences that have taken place are equivalent to the Bible. Unfortunately it has to be done. It is what Nana wants and that is what she will get.

So this is really sad, and maybe pathetic, but the people that share this obession with me will understand - TONIGHT IS THE LAST NIGHT OF BIG BROTHER!!!! Now it's dissappointing how the show is going to end, but I actually have to function like a normal human being after tonight. I am not the only person with this illness, I am not alone; there are a handful of people that are by my side that have the same addiction. Usually the schedule starts on a Tuesday, then we read the online summaries (some people have the live feeds.) Then Thursday gets here and we usually know what happens, but we find out who gets evicted and who is taking over the house, then saturday we find out who is nominated to be evicted. It is an endless cycle and it continues to feed us our need for the information - until now. If the show doesn't go my way - my night is ruined...it has taken me since friday to get over the fact that the girl that America wanted to win was sent home. If I have a chemical imbalance, that is what Big Brother is...now someone is taking my drug from me. I will be coming clean from my addiction starting tomorrow. I guess I can use The Real World as my Morphine to come off of BB6. I think that the group of people that have come to love the BB House will now have to be each other's support group. They can call us BBA - Big Brother Anonymous.

BABY BOY SEAN PRESTON SPEARS FEDERLINE.

I definatley feel better than the last time that I posted.

I went to the grocery store this weekend and bought a bunch of healthy food, so now I don't have an excuse to eat bad, because there is nothing but good food in front of me.

To get me motivated to change my image I got my hair cut. I love it! I cut about six inches off. It feels so much better and I feel more confident about myself.

So today I started the new eat right diet. This morning for breakfast I ate a fat free pop tart which tasted like shit and some blue berry fat free yogurt which was much better.

I brought my lunch today. I made a tuna fish sandwich for myself. It was tuna in water, fat free miraclewhip, relish on whole wheat bread, and no chips. I made myself two sandwiches since I wasnt eating anything else, but I was full after one. So that was good.

Tonight, I plan to take a run when I get home, start dinner, penne pasta with spaghetti sauce and sauteed mushrooms, still need carbs for energy, then relax with an episode of Big Brother.

If I can keep the eating right and exercise up for 30 days, it will be apart of my daily routine and save me a bunch of cash from going out to eat.

So yesterday was a case of the Monday's and my last day to eat bad so I took advantage of that. Last night me and the hubby went to WTF to see some friends, just to pop in and pop out. It was a good visit and a good refresher. Plus, the ride to and from is always great with him. So that is what is going on with me. Post more tomorrow.

Today, is not a good day for me as far as my self esteem goes. This morning I was getting ready for work and I looked in the mirror to check the back of my hair and all I saw was fat...I hate this. Why can't I get motivated?!! It makes me sooo sick, when I look at my reflection in a window and I think that I look good, but when I look in a mirror, I look soooo differently. Sometimes I don't understand why my husband thinks I look good. But I am not going to go in that direction. No one did this to me, but me. IT is just so much easier to blame my weight issue on something other than myself. I need discipline and drive and I just dont have that right now for some reason. I heard today in a meeting that it takes 30 days to get in a new routine. I can say that I haven't gained any weight since I started this blog, but I know that I haven't lost anything and that sux. I just feel really out of place today. I moved cubes yesterday at work, who would have thought moving in a new place in the office, would make me feel so out of place all over....I don't like how my hair is today, or what I am wearing...anything...maybe it is because I am trying to quit smoking and the brain is on overdrive. I dont know. When I decided that I was going to quit I was gonna go cold Turkey....but the body would go in shock and then I would be even more loopy than I am now. So I decided to go in steps, no smoking at work right now. So far I am doing good, except I had one after lunch today since I am having such a crappy day. And I bummed one....haven't bought a pack in a few days. This is crazy...but right now quitting smoking is easier than losing weight. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I really can't wait until the weather cools off...its already started too, but mostly in the mornings. When I get home it is still sweltering and I dont want to be excerising outside. Ok, I think I am done with my rant for now. I'll blog more should anything happen. HA!

Glad that I had a long weekend, but I wish that it was longer. Still not ready to return back to work. The weekend was good. We had "Rowdy" (step son) over for the weekend, we went to his mom's wedding and, went to a party on sunday, and Monday I went and visited my dad. I am exhausted!